I wonder...

If I post something after many moons of abandonment, without a ping in sight, would anyone read this by mere chance?

Unresolved, yet resolute

Snowflakes fell from the sky today to usher in the close of another year. With its passing, we enter a new cycle of hope, full of optimistic resolutions and dreams. So how did I fare in terms of what I was set out to do? Three out of five — that isn't too bad, right? Unfortunately, the one that I needed to do badly, I didn't do at all. As to which one that is, I'll leave it up to general speculation.

What I did get out of 2005 was a great deal of change, both good and bad... but mostly good. For starters, I've rekindled a relationship with my brother. It's been said before, we aren't the closest of kin as there's a lot of baggage (and eight years) between us. But we traveled through China together, he's married now, and based on where he and my sister-in-law are heading, I'm sure I'll be an uncle in no time. That in itself will create all sorts of neuroses, I'm confident of it.

Which leads to my second change: I stopped seeing my therapist. Now, I don't know if this qualifies as good or bad, but my relationship with him ran its course. When you start chatting about the last movie you saw because there's nothing else to say, it's time to move on. Don't get me wrong, I still have a great deal of fucked-upness inside my head, I'm just not prepared to tackle it at the moment. The primary emotional gauntlet of 2005 was dealing with my live-in ex and therapy dealt with that.

Thus the third change: my ex finally moved out. Hip hip hooray? I wish it were so easy and straightforward. I wish I still possessed the anger towards him that I did a year ago. It would make moving on so much more... clean and clear. However, time, being the shifty SOB that it is, managed to heal most of the wounds while we were still living together, forcing the separation into becoming yet another wound. I knew deep down that his moving out would be best for the both of us, but it really, truly sucked. Six months later, I still miss waking up next to him. Of course, we're extremely close and see each other weekly, but honestly folks, what are the intentions? What are my intentions? Only God knows and I'm not connected to him on Friendster. So, to avoid from thinking and feeling about this subject matter, I drown myself in work.

You guessed it, perfect segue to the fourth major change: I left my job of five years. Oh geez, what the hell was I thinking? Advertising of all things! I don't hate my new job... well I guess that's all I can say about it for now. People are nice enough — too bad I feel like an overpaid admin assistant half the time. If I were to ask my Magic 8 Ball, "Will I be leaving this job soon?", the answer may be "Signs point to yes". Regardless, the job keeps me busy and it pays my stupendous rent, which brings up...

The last major change: I moved to a new place. It's a studio apartment that leaves me wondering what the hell is a 30-something doing living in a room with four walls? Well, it's a 5-minute walk to the office, within easy reach of all the swank straight places (what?), and... and... and I've run out of good reasons as to why I'm living in this overpriced box. Give me a break, I live in downtown Manhattan, it's a "luxury" building with a "concierge", what do you expect?

Ah, so many changes (and I'm sure some other ones are escaping my brain)! Overall, it was a good year, well seasoned, even if a bit too dry for my palette. As for my resolution for 2006? Be honest with others and with myself. Get it out of the system man, what am I waiting for?

Happy New Year everyone and read you in 2006!

Bearback manifesto

And he said unto the people:

"Heaven knows, Land knows, Now you know!
Here we launch the 5th strike of coquettish bomb to all over the world." *

* I've had this figurine for a while and only now did I read what was inscribed on its back. A tad psychotic, no?

His other half

So Brother and his gal D. tied the knot yesterday morning at City Hall. We got there at 8:30am (and were joined by Brother's best friend from college), stood in line for a little bit, waited for a half-hour, and then the whole thing was wrapped up in 5 minutes. No music, no fanfare, just a marriage certificate and a "have a good life together." Afterwards, the four of us went and had breakfast at Bubby's, a Tribeca favorite. The ceremony was a practical arrangement and frankly, I'm all for that. Why waste thousands upon thousands of dollars on one day when it's the days and years to come that truly matter? Brother, who's always harbored a troubled soul, has finally found peace, love, and safety.

God knows he deserves it.

Brilliant moment

As I was rushing to get home from running an errand near Times Square, I happened to glance up at the brilliance that bathed the nearby buildings — a stunning panorama of moving lights and visuals, full of energy and life. Times Square isn't an area that natives "hang out" in (unless you work there or you're seeing a show); it's a nexus of Guiliani-created and consumer-driven chaos. But tonight, as my eyes wandered toward the dazzling wash, I was filled, not with the usual anxiety and stress, but with pride. Tonight, Times Square was beautiful to me and I felt extremely proud to be living here in Gotham.